Just a rant

I guess it's a wrong choice to delete my last blog hmm.. It's kind of hard not having a place to rant about stuff. I'm tired... and I've come to realize that I say that a lot. It's sort of like an excuse nowadays. Something that I say when I don't want to explain how I'm really feeling inside. I say it when I'm upset, when I'm disappointed.. even when I'm not feeling well. It's the truth though, because I am tired of feeling those emotions. 

I love the moments where I can just exclaim that I am contented with my life. I am contented really, it's just that there are moments that would bring me down and I just wish there was a way to get rid of all that? 

These days I don't really have anything to worry about actually. Life is pretty simple.. well most of the time I guess. I go to work almost every other day, joke about things with my colleagues and occupy myself by tiring myself with work. It's good not to have any time to think about things at this point of time. Because when I start having time like this, I think too much.. about things that I can't change in life.

Being someone that doesn't display my thoughts isn't easy. Everyone is so use to seeing me all smiley and cheerful that if one day I were to show my actual thoughts it would be weird for them. 

I use to have a bad temper back in poly.. but I've learn that being that way wouldn't change anything. And there was a theory that if you were to make yourself smile no matter how hard things are, it would make you feel better. I've tried it, and it's true.. at least for a fraction of a second you would be able to lie to your brain that whatever you are going through isn't that hard to handle. Then slowly in time you would get use to the lie and keep smiling.

Many people tend to ask though.. Why is it that I don't show how I'm feeling to my friends or they just keep telling me friends are always here. It's not that I don't trust anyone, it's not about the fine line between being curious and being concern in humans... It's just that it doesn't feel right to bring people down with me.

I self-contradict a lot. I'm the kind that doesn't ask much because I've always felt that if someone wants to say it they would tell me without me needing to ask but personally I wouldn't tell anyone unless they bothered to ask. And up till now I haven't exactly found people I would be comfortable in sharing my life with except for this friend of mine that i just met last year.

I connect really well with her and she understand my thoughts easily so yea but it still doesn't feel good to bother her. So I guess for now I'll turn to this place for rants~

I think it's been about a month since it happened.. I should be getting use to it by now but no. I'm so used to calling out his name at least 6 times a day that now it feels weird not saying his name once at all. I'm so used to telling people I'm attached that now I find it hard even to clarify that I'm single. I'm embracing my single life now.. but it just feels weird not having him around at all. I could feel my mouth dry up whenever people ask me how is he. He is good.. and living well without me. 

I never knew the end would come so much earlier, and I'm occasionally choked up at the thought that I will have to look for someone else to share my days with after losing him. But these are things I'll have to keep to myself since everyone thinks I'm someone that takes things like this easily. Is it wrong to move on fast? It's not that I've moved on from him.. It's just that I've moved on and no longer harped on the fact that he won't be here for me.

He erased traces of me in his life and while doing it.. he erases traces of him in my life too. It's like I have no choice around it anyway. He blocked me on instagram and facebook, moved the photos I shared in our drive to trash and removed the ones he shared. He probably feels better not seeing any updates of me on his social media. I understand and respect that.. but it just doesn't feel good to lose him this way.

Ever wondered how it feels for a part of your life to be taken away? Pretty similar to getting rid of the memories you've shared with someone you use to love. It's like suddenly you just can't seem to find traces of him in your life and the memories you have in your mind have no evidence that it actually happened in your life.

And after losing him, when you first find someone else to talk to and to talk about.. you start wondering if it's because you are trying to find someone to fill the space he has left behind or is it that you truly enjoy this 'someone else' company.

I keep telling myself that it will be alright someday and things will get back on track.